How Jawa Got His Medals

From the forums:

well, I joined back in 1990. Since I was really, really smart, I got to be a truck driver. but then the war in Iraq happened, and they discovered they didn't have enough massage therapists for all the Air Force pilots. So I was sent to MT School, which is a grueling 4 hour course. I tried as hard as I could, but in the last 10 minutes managed to pull a muscle in my little left toe, and recieved an L7 profile.

I was sent to Iraq anyways and joined the arts and crafts platoon. Along with a few other dedicated soldiers, we created chains of paper rings to decorate the tanks and APC's. I received my first Purple Heart for a nasty paper cut I recieved on my right thigh while fighting off Iraq insurgients who were hooked on red construction paper. Later I would receive a Silver Star for "Merit".

after a year of physical therapy for the paper cut, I was sent to Somalia to assist with the day care center platoon. Although most people are only aware of the Black hawks getting shot down, there were other wounded. 4 of us got really bad infections from an Enemy Projectile Vomit Attack that got us in the eyes. This led to my second purple heart and first bronze star.

At this point, the military knew I was something special and asked if I would like to try out for the (then) top-secret intur-service co-ed broomball team. Our goal was to whip the evil Marine Corp, who had just beat the Russians the year before.

Unfortunately, a minor problem happened over in Bosnia, and I was once again called to duty. I was assigned bodygaurd duty to one Herbert Wlaker, who was the village cobbler in the northern region. My duty was not easy, as the cable on his TV went out on a daily basis. I managed to cut my finger on a piece of coaxial cable, which led to my 3rd Purple Heart.

Since I was experienced in Muslim activities by now, I was asked to go to Kosovo. I was put in charge of the "Sweating to the Oldies" program for the Kosovar refugees. My biggest issue was finding Kosovars who weren't already starving to death. I think I did a good job, but eventually, and old knitting injury to my left thumb acted up, and I had to step down.

At this point I wanted to see what it was like to be a civilian, so I came back to the states. However, I was quickly sadden by society. But since there wasn't a war happening, my talents weren't needed.

But then we decided to go back to iraq, and since I had first hand knowledge of the area, I got the opportunity to go back. One crazy day, while trying to sell Churro's from my Army Sponsored Street Vending machine, I got a really bad splinter in my arm. It was so bad I couldn't move for three days in a really dirty ditch. Once I was found, I was medevac'd to Ladnstuhl, where my recovery was pronounced as nothing short of a "miracle". Once I had recovered enough to be able to type, the military quickly snatched me up and sent me away.

That's my story. And I'm sticking to it.

I wonder if Jawa shouldn't have his own topic here.