Underworld Evolution

When I say I'm "bored" at Kandahar, that means I have no official duties and have a lot of time to decide what I want to do. This is often the same as being "bored" on a hill, except that in the latter case, my decisions about entertainment are limited to things like "Do I pile the rocks over here or over there" and whether to wash socks or a t-shirt with my daily water ration.

Here, I watch movies, catch news, read the paper, take showers (!), check e-mail, and (best of all) drink coffee. Much better options.

So last night I borrowed Underworld Evolution from my assistant team leader because I felt like watching something gratuitously violent with gaping plot holes. Mission accomplished! (Don't get to say that too often around here.)

I enjoyed the first film, which had most of the same features as this one, although I thought the plot held together a little better. And to be fair, many of what I consider to be "plot holes" may in fact be "areas of mystery to be explained in a third movie." That annoys me, but since I do it in my own writing, I can hardly in all fairness complain when someone else does it.

But life isn't fair, so I will bitch. STOP DOING THAT. I DON'T WANT TO WAIT ANOTHER THREE YEARS TO FIND OUT YOUR LAME SOLUTION TO THE MYSTERY.

Ahem.

The most notable thing about this film was the sheer number of impalements of people and their various body parts. Every ten seconds, somebody was getting stabbed by something--a knife, a pole, a beluga whale. It was rather on the icky side.

The second most notable thing was that there was a rather explicit vampire/vampire-werewolf-hybrid sex scene--they both looked like normal people (only prettier), but I was following the plot so I know they're not. I'm not a big fan of sex scenes in film; it's generally enough to strongly suggest that "yes, these people are going to be touching eachother in naughty places," and then we can move on to the next action sequence or plot point--maybe even some character development if there's time.

This one was notable because--as I found out watching special features--Kate Beckinsale (probably misspelled; the vampire chick) is the director's wife. Now who does that? Seriously. How horribly stressful on the part of the poor shmuck who has to be the male love interest in the film. Why do people submit their marriages to stress like that? And why are we surprised to Hollywood marriages last an average of 12.7 minutes?

Anyway, film was reasonably entertaining by stuck-in-Kandahar standards, but that whole film-someone-else-pretending-to-have-sex-with-your-wife thing really bothers me, although I grant it is external to the film. I wouldn't have watched it at all, more than likely, but SarahK on IMAO recommended it during one of the old podcasts I was listening to the other day.

I give it 7 bloody impalements out of 10.

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Movies

Pop bought a set of Mystery Science 3000 movies - we watched one of those this evening. I was not bored enough to even begin to appreciate the movie.

Someone at my office was telling us about the snakes/plane movie. I laughed as he described the tense scenes with slithering critters --I guess laughing during "horror" movies is something you boys and I share. I love watching (while laughing) "The Deep Blue Sea". Pop still hasn't seen that one--he has bad memories of when "Jaws" came out and he doesn't like shark movies. Maybe I should get "Shark Tale" for him? He hasn't seen that one either =)

Sharks are hella cool.

"Deep Blue Sea" is a classic of western filmmaking. I would happily fund crazy-stupid research to make hyperintelligent sharks to get a treatment for Alzheimer's--which is right up there with drowning, dain bramage, and attending the national Democratic convention for me--but I'd do it in a facility in the middle of Arizona.

When the sharks inevitably start rampaging, you pull the plug on the pool and have hyperintelligent shark steaks for dinner.

I don't own "Jaws" on DVD. I should. It gets better every time I see it.

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Jaws

We're going to need a bigger boat